Advice for Parenting with ADHD

As a response to a YouTube request, here are some things that I can suggest to ADHD parents to make things run a tiny bit more smoothly. 

Here's my parenting book, if you're feeling curious: https://www.amazon.com/Shame-You-Big-Truths-Bad/dp/0578652714

Transcript

00:00:00:04 - 00:00:27:17
Arianna
What's up, suckers? It's me. And if you're watching this and you're like, Wow, I know you look tired. I have two kids. At least one of whom has ADHD. When do I not? Which fits perfectly into what we're going to be talking about today, which is parenting. When you are a parent with ADHD or so before I really get into it.

00:00:27:17 - 00:00:45:28
Arianna
As always, I wanted to say that, you know, if you really enjoy this, if this is your kind of thing, talking about ADHD, talking about accepting your brain, working with your brain, how to be productive on top of a number of other things, satisfied, happy, then this is going to be the focus for you. And I suggest that you like it.

00:00:45:28 - 00:01:13:18
Arianna
Subscribe. It helps me find cool people, helps cool people find me. And if I find ten more cool people, I can finally talk. So somebody recently I asked my little community here on YouTube what kind of videos they were looking for to make sure that I covered the stuff that you guys want to hear. And someone was kind enough to ask, I thought quite brilliantly, you know, you're a parent with ADHD.

00:01:14:28 - 00:01:41:26
Arianna
How do you do it? And I thought that that would make a great video before I realized that I have so much to say on it that I could literally be here for hours before I started really talking about ADHD at length. I was more of a parenting blogger, I guess you could call it. I'm not quite sure what you would call that, but I talked about parenting a lot, and it was very honest about parenting a lot.

00:01:41:27 - 00:02:00:09
Arianna
I even wrote a book about it. It's called Shame on You Big Truth from a Bad Mom. You can go ahead and check it out if you want. The link will be in the description And that was my job, was basically helping parents realize that a lot of what they tell you parenting is supposed to be is complete.

00:02:00:09 - 00:02:30:08
Arianna
Bullshit. And back then, I didn't know that I had ADHD. I suspected my son did, but I wasn't sure. And basically, I had no idea how right I was about parenting, just being nothing but new shit being thrown at you. All the time. And so I'm going to preface this by saying that I'm not entirely certain exactly which part of parenting to go into.

00:02:30:09 - 00:02:47:01
Arianna
So I'm just going to give you some of the tips that have worked for me. I am not by any shape or form a perfect parent. There is no such thing. But if you are listening to this and you're like, OK, but you sound like you at least kind of have your shit together, and I feel like I'm flying by the seat of my pants.

00:02:47:05 - 00:03:14:05
Arianna
We all feel like we're flying by the seat of our pants. OK? Our pants have no seat anymore because we are constantly flying by it. So when you hear in these kinds of things, if you're like, I've already tried that and that doesn't work for me, keep in mind that you are raising a whole ass person like it's another human being who's going to have the intricacies, the idiosyncrasies and the ever changing interests and disinterest of a human being.

00:03:14:11 - 00:03:34:20
Arianna
So these are just things that I have realized worked for me. If they don't work for you, at least it's a place to start. OK. So tip number one, just launching right into it is more for you as a parent. And that's that you need to admit and recognize that your kids are going to trigger the shit out of you.

00:03:35:24 - 00:04:02:03
Arianna
We don't like admitting that because kids are supposed to be. I don't know the books that you read before you have kids talk about it as if it is just the most magical wonderland full of pony farts and sparkles. And sometimes it is. But most of the time, especially when you have ADHD, it is a lot of learning on top of a lot of enjoyment.

00:04:02:18 - 00:04:40:14
Arianna
Sometimes it is just as fun and as full of hope. And as full of lessons, happy lessons as you'd like it to be. And sometimes, especially when you're more likely to have a hot temper, you're more likely to have sensory issues, you're more likely to get overwhelmed. These are things that children cause in neurotypical people. So you can't hate yourself if you find that listening to your kid you makes you want to throw them through the nearest window.

00:04:40:14 - 00:05:05:06
Arianna
You can't get upset with yourself. For that because that is the way your brain works. Now, the way that you have to handle it is, of course, what's the way they put it. The first step to realizing there's a problem is to admit that you have one. So you have to admit to yourself that your kid triggers you and that it triggers certain negative aspects of your ADHD.

00:05:05:28 - 00:05:31:27
Arianna
That's not something that's necessarily going to be fun to admit, but it's the first step to you being able to handle it. Now, once you've realized that that is true, it's a little bit easier for you to recognize in the moment that maybe what you are feeling is more of a frustration because whatever they're doing is leaning on that particular button of yours.

00:05:32:06 - 00:06:06:22
Arianna
Like, say, for example, you can't handle the sound of people eating cake and you've got a kid that chews with their mouth open. Now, parenting brains, I have found, really are great at rationalizing because we don't like to believe that we as adults could possibly just be frustrated to the point of of near violence over something that is small and really not all that important in the scheme of things.

00:06:07:01 - 00:06:35:08
Arianna
And I'm here to tell you that we absolutely can. That's 100% possible. And you have to be willing to admit to yourself, I'm not actually angry because Junior refuses to use a napkin like I told him to Yeah. It's really annoying when he just just doesn't follow my rules. But I'm not upset about that. Honestly, I am this enraged because that noise is just it's triggering something in me that's causing anxiety.

00:06:35:28 - 00:07:02:15
Arianna
And that is the problem. The main problem. Granted, Junior is a child and therefore is a bit of an asshole. Like, let's face it, kids, kids, they don't really mean to be bad assholes, but that is not the main problem. The main problem is me. And the main problem is just that this is something that affects me. And then what you want to do when that happens is you want to try to remove yourself from the situation as much as possible.

00:07:02:23 - 00:07:20:14
Arianna
Now, when I say this, a lot of people think, I mean bodily and they're like, I'm driving the car and my kids are fighting in the sound of them screaming really upsets me. How can I remove myself? Can I throw myself in the car while it's moot? Can I throw myself in the car when it's moving? And it's like, no, you can't.

00:07:20:24 - 00:07:53:00
Arianna
That's not what I'm saying. Remove yourself. In this case, basically just need to distract yourself. If you can leave, I suggest leaving because especially when we're frustrated. Our initial idea, our first wave of defense, I guess you could call it, is just to try to make it go away. Right. The kids are arguing. And so your first inclination is to be like, if I hear any more yelling, I swear to God I'm going to stop this car and will let you out into the forest.

00:07:53:01 - 00:08:12:10
Arianna
I'm going to let you get raised by wolves. Right. If your kid is eating ice cream way too loud, you're very likely to, like, sit there and, you know, just like watch him with your eyes getting ever wider and then eventually you're just going to, like, snatch the ice cream and Kobe Bryant, that shit into the trash can on the other side of the room.

00:08:12:21 - 00:08:36:19
Arianna
May he rest in peace. So that doesn't work, really. And it doesn't work for a couple of reasons. For one it leaves your kid kind of realizing that they can push your buttons. And kids love pushing buttons. It's like their favorite thing. If you have you've ever taken them someplace and been like, don't push that button and then turn your back for 3 seconds, they've pushed the fucking button.

00:08:37:15 - 00:08:58:19
Arianna
They will push your emotional buttons. And if they know that they can upset you, they're going to use that. Like that's it's just natural border pushing, right? Like I said, kids are kind of dicks. It's just it's part of their their development. And then, you know, some people don't get out of that and they grow up to be adult dicks.

00:08:58:19 - 00:09:16:28
Arianna
But we're not talking about that right now. So, you know, you don't want that. And then you also don't want to instill more guilt in yourself because that's exactly what's going to happen when it happens. After you toss that ice cream, you're going to feel better for like 5 seconds and then you can be like, man, I could've handled that better.

00:09:17:29 - 00:09:38:10
Arianna
I could have really shown them a lot better of an attitude. And I know for me what happens is sometimes when I react that way, when I yell or whatever, the first thing I wind up thinking is, you know, how would I feel if my son or daughter did that to someone they were dating when they got older?

00:09:38:10 - 00:09:59:06
Arianna
And the moment that I realized that that kind of behavior would be considered red flag behavior, I start to feel bad and I start to feel guilt. And there is I feel nothing that poisons parenting more than guilt. So you really want to try to avoid getting into those situations yourself. So back to removing yourself from the situation.

00:09:59:18 - 00:10:25:05
Arianna
The way that you do that is you distract yourself if you can and you're in that ice cream shop. Tell your kid, hey, we're going to go for a walk and try to get yourself out there so that you can listen to the surrounding sounds instead of your kid smacking their ice cream. If your kids are fighting in the backseat, turn on the music and try to turn it up as loud as you dare sing along at the top of your lungs.

00:10:25:15 - 00:10:49:15
Arianna
So you really just want to try to pay very close attention to how you're feeling inside when your kids are doing certain things that, you know, affect you. And then you want to do what you can to lower that feeling of panic, frustration, anxiety, whatever you want to call it. You want to try to do something to lower that and you will not always do well at this.

00:10:50:19 - 00:11:31:25
Arianna
I will get into that near the end of this, but this is a good place to start. So the next thing that I found that really works for me is I try to put myself in my son's shoes as much as I can. The one I shouldn't say, the one positive thing, but one of the positive things that comes out of both of us having ADHD is that I don't get as frustrated when he does really ADHD things because it's really easy for me to remember how I used to forget my homework even after I did it right or that I have totally had times where people have told me or asked me to do

00:11:31:25 - 00:11:55:25
Arianna
things, and I've been like, Sure thing. And then I've walked, you know, five steps away and suddenly forgot exactly what I was going to do. And it's super easy to get frustrated with kids, especially, you know, when you're about to leave the house and you tell your kid to go get dressed and you know, you're about to leave in 3 minutes and you turn around and your kid comes around the corner wearing like one sock and a pair of underwear, and that's less clothes than they had on before.

00:11:55:25 - 00:12:16:18
Arianna
You told them to get dressed and you're like, how the oh, you got to take a deep breath. And remember that even though as an adult, you've gotten better. This was you once. This was you once. And when you remember that, that makes it easier for you to ask yourself a few questions. What was going through my mind?

00:12:16:18 - 00:12:37:15
Arianna
Or How did I feel when these things were happening to me? What usually caused me to get into this kind of kerfuffle? What do I wish people had said to me back then instead of what I'm thinking? You're saying right now what used to work to help me get there And you may not have answers for all of it.

00:12:37:25 - 00:12:57:10
Arianna
You're not expected to have answers for all of it, but it does help you treat the situation with a little bit more empathy than we used to get when we were kids, because we understand more about what we're going through, what our brains are like, and where this came from. So let's utilize that empathy and I do that as much as I possibly can.

00:12:57:10 - 00:13:24:10
Arianna
And I have found that I am much less frustrated when my son does certain things that I think would usually frustrate any parent or any adult. And that's because I realize we have very similar brains and mine has developed to mostly adult status. But that doesn't mean that I have to forget what it was like to have that brain in that time.

00:13:24:24 - 00:13:51:28
Arianna
Okay, so this is more of a practical thing, something that you can do right now that has made a huge difference for my son, specifically, when he first started school. This child would come home without everything. Like once he even came home without his backpack and initially I did a lot of what parents did when I was coming up, which was just kind of to like ask him why.

00:13:51:29 - 00:14:09:09
Arianna
How do you forget your backpack? You know, without realizing? Going back to what I said before, that he doesn't know, right? He probably got distracted and came back to the car and was like, back feels a little light today. Maybe that means that I'm going to good place emotionally. You know, he's not thinking that he forgot his backpack at school.

00:14:09:21 - 00:14:37:21
Arianna
So after I realized that that was what was going on, I realized that what he needed is he needed a reminder, a constant reminder. And obviously, I can't remind him at school. Right. So what I did is I made him a school checklist. It's small, and I taped it to the inside of his backpack. But the inside of his backpack, I mean, the part that goes up against his back, not the actual inside because he barely looks inside his backpack as it is, that would be a waste of time.

00:14:37:25 - 00:14:58:21
Arianna
So it's on the part of the backpack that goes up against his back when he's wearing it. And before school and before he leaves school, I encourage him to check that checklist to make sure that he has all the things that are on that list. And I'm going to tell you right now. Hale. No. Did that work right away?

00:14:59:00 - 00:15:15:01
Arianna
It also took some consistency on my in my husband's part. When we would pick him up from school, we would say, hey, let's check that checklist real quick before we leave school grounds. And we would go over it and we would go down each list and we would help him look in his backpack and we would read it out to him.

00:15:15:10 - 00:15:41:00
Arianna
And at first there were a lot of times where he would come back and we would look at the checklist and be like Where's this thing? Like, what happened with that? But eventually he started doing it himself. It was adventure really more of a habit or a routine for him, but we had to help him get there. And that's kind of how it's going to be for ADHD kids in general.

00:15:41:00 - 00:16:15:05
Arianna
And sometimes it's going to take a little bit longer than you would think, but that's how you get them into the habit of doing some of the things that you want them to do regularly. And the school checklist was probably one of the quicker turnarounds because he had that regular reminder. I'm in this is this next thing is kind of more advice because the person who asked me, I'm not entirely certain if they were asking, like how do you balance, you know, parenting and ADHD?

00:16:15:05 - 00:16:39:28
Arianna
And if that is something that you want me to go more into detail with, I will because I do have a number of different processes in place. But I'm going to say right now that if you're thinking that all you have to do is find a perfect balance and you'll be able to take care of your kids perfectly and take care of your work perfectly and take care of their house, that is never, ever, ever going to happen.

00:16:40:04 - 00:17:05:26
Arianna
And that's not because you have ADHD, because this is the same for neurotypical parents. That's because life has way too many damn things for you to do. And you just don't have enough energy to do them all. Technically, you have enough time. If you go into your sleep and you're already probably pretty low energy, but then you're going to be hitting a wall pretty fast.

00:17:06:11 - 00:17:45:13
Arianna
It's unrealistic and unfair to think that all you have to do is figure it out and eventually you will get it all done perfectly. That will not happen. So most of the time you have to sit down and you have to figure out things in one of two ways. You either have to sit down and look at work life and family and pick the top one to two things that you want to get done in that day to be satisfied and try to go after those and those alone or was really be working for me is something called some people call it theming.

00:17:45:13 - 00:18:08:03
Arianna
I think another person calls it categorizing. Basically, it's where I decide what the main focus of my day is. And sometimes it is just a category. It's like today I want to focus on my writing. Like that's what I'm focusing on today. Other times it's like I'm going to focus on getting my kids outside. Like, you know, yesterday I had a lot of work to do, and so I let them play Minecraft from sunup to sundown.

00:18:08:03 - 00:18:33:09
Arianna
But we can't have them doing that all the time. So we're going to let them go outside and play, and I'll take them outside for a walk or something. But I allow myself to focus on a couple categories at a time, and I allow myself to be either up productive worker, a productive member of my household, or productive mom.

00:18:33:29 - 00:18:55:28
Arianna
I cannot do all. Now, notice that I did not say I only allow myself to be a good mom sometimes because again, this is going back into my old parenting days and I'm not going to do this to you because I could rant about this forever, but being a productive mom is not necessarily being a good mom, OK?

00:18:56:00 - 00:19:20:00
Arianna
The fact that you don't necessarily bake cookies for the kids, for the school bake sale, or the fact that, you know, maybe you let your kid go a day or two without having to brush their hair does not mean that you're a bad parent. And too many people, usually without kids, let you think that that is what you have to do to be a good parent.

00:19:20:00 - 00:19:40:27
Arianna
And you don't you can be a good parent and say, hey, I can't hang with you to play all day. Today. I don't have time to do this. I will do it tomorrow. And then you do it tomorrow. You're still getting. So when you're sitting there trying to figure this shit out, don't let yourself feel guilty. I shouldn't say don't let yourself feel guilty because here's the thing.

00:19:41:29 - 00:20:03:09
Arianna
Guilt is normal and it is a feeling and you cannot stop a feeling. But what you can do is you can treat that feeling as if it is just a warning system. And then you can decide to shut that warning system on or off and you you just look at that guilt and off. You cannot focus on everything at one time.

00:20:04:09 - 00:20:35:03
Arianna
That's what am I. Final thing here, again, more of a warning is that you are going to mess this up. All of it, OK? You are going to do your absolute best as a parent with ADHD and you are going to have things in order sometimes and have kids appointments on the calendar. And you're going to have, you know, read to them every single night before bed and or you're going to have given them great advice to help them deal with friends.

00:20:36:01 - 00:20:55:06
Arianna
And other times you are going to completely and utterly fuck it up. And especially when you have rejection sensitive disorder that can send you into an absolute spiral and you can't let it. So I'm going to close this with a story just to let you guys know what that I know what I'm talking about from experience. This happened two days ago.

00:20:55:17 - 00:21:29:23
Arianna
Without getting into the full specifics, my son was caught doing some pretty messed up stuff, nothing violent or evil or, you know, earth shattering, but still bad enough that it was a nasty surprise. And I was tired because I hadn't slept well in the last couple of days. I was mentally and physically exhausted. And then I got hit with faced and yes, my defenses were down, but I was still responsible for my behavior.

00:21:29:23 - 00:21:55:29
Arianna
And it wasn't great. I raised my voice. I yelled. I said, a lot of things that I had no business saying to my kid, you know, no swearing, like whatever. But just definitely I was not nice and you know, then when my husband tried to tell me to calm down, I yelled at him, too. And then I eventually dissolved into a puddle of tears out of fear and anxiety and panic and exhaustion.

00:21:56:11 - 00:22:23:07
Arianna
And I'm sure everybody in my family thought that I was one cheeseburger short of a Happy Meal. And when this happens, our brains are tempted to rip us apart and just blame us for everything and take us down that spiral I mentioned and kind of just tell us, you know, what what are you even doing? Being a parent?

00:22:23:07 - 00:22:57:26
Arianna
Like, give up, man, you suck. And that helps no one, OK? Definitely. You can feel ashamed. You can feel sad. You can feel disappointed in yourself. But especially in situations like this, it's not about us. It's about the people that we hurt or the people that we didn't respond well to. And so in those moments, it's best for us to apologize to squirrel away the feelings that we had in those moments so that we can remember them later.

00:22:59:04 - 00:23:24:18
Arianna
And then to try to make it better from then on. And that's what I did. I apologize to my husband. I apologize to my son. I gave him huge hugs and cried some more. And I'm sure he was probably like, oh, my God, get out of my room, you insane, insane woman. But the point is, you are not going to ever be a perfect parent no matter who you are, whether you have ADHD or not.

00:23:26:16 - 00:23:55:09
Arianna
And if you have ADHD, there are certain things that you are going to have to work harder at. But the one thing that I can say to those of us who do have ADHD is that we have an advanced age in that we know what it's like, especially if we have kids who have ADHD. But even if we don't, we remember what it's like to mess up and to get yelled at.

00:23:55:10 - 00:24:22:28
Arianna
We remember what it's like to have people say things that are hurtful and then don't apologize, OK? We remember what it's like to forget things seemingly out of nowhere. We remember those things. And so that gives us the advantage of empathy. And usually when you're acting from a place of empathy, you can genuinely figure out a creative way to move forward.

00:24:23:11 - 00:24:40:24
Arianna
So if I missed anything or if you had any other questions or if there was something else that you wanted to know about ADHD, parenting, with it, I am here. Drop it in the comments and I'll be happy to answer it. Thank you very much for watching or listening. Drink some water, take care of yourself and I'll see you in the next video.